


Red Means Stop

by Kurai3



Category: Dream Festival
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fist Fights, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Soulmate bruises, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-28 13:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8447317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurai3/pseuds/Kurai3
Summary: Kanade has never had bruises, not as a child, not as he grows older and realizes what that could possibly mean, not as he reaches the age of nine and realizes his soulmate must be covered in bruises and cuts by now…if he even has one.





	1. I'm not a freak

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the anime or characters. I just own the plot and my original characters.

Kanade has never had bruises, not as a child, not as he grows older and realizes what that could possibly mean, not as he reaches the age of nine and realizes his soulmate must be covered in bruises and cuts by now…if he even has one. You see, Kanade is clumsy, and not just in a young child kind of clumsy. He is reckless and head strong and he runs into things without thinking. He gets into more fights than he probably should as a child, earning himself several more bruises than he should have at that age. He almost feels sorry for his soulmate, and even his mother is growing concerned at this point, but he doesn’t stop. But none of the bruises that blemish his skin are ever anyone else’s and the other children, cruel vicious humans that they can be, have no qualms about teasing him for it. They make jokes, that he probably doesn’t have a soulmate, that someone as clumsy and reckless as he is doesn’t deserve one, that if he does have a soulmate they must hate him, and he tries to ignore them but it is so hard. What if they are right? What if he really doesn’t have a soulmate? What if he does and they hate him?

Kanade is twelve when he stops believing in soulmates. There is a boy in his class that he has a crush on and he has seen the other boy’s bruises, not enough for them to be his, but he ignores them. He approaches the boy and gathers up all the courage he has and asks him out, tugging at the bottom of his shirt nervously. The other boy, Osore, agrees and it is fine. Even if Kanade doesn’t have a soulmate it is fine because he has a boyfriend and besides…he stopped believing in soulmates a while ago. Things start off fine and they are happy but then things change. Osore grows controlling, telling Kanade where he can go, what he can wear, who he can talk to, and Kanade has never liked being controlled. He also doesn’t want his soulmate, if he has one, to suffer for the mistake he made, he thinks as he wraps another wound. This is one that is not his fault, and those kind are growing every day, but he also thinks it kind of his so he makes up his mind. Kanade is fourteen when he breaks up with his boyfriend.

Kanade is seventeen when he becomes an idol and he is completely unprepared. The man that approaches him is handsome and Kanade thinks he would be popular even if he wasn’t an idol. Kanade isn’t really that interested in becoming an idol so he refuses and goes on his way. He never would have returned if that man hadn’t slipped his phone into Kanade’s pocket. When he goes to give the phone back he doesn’t get the chance to escape, so Kanade decides to indulge the man and takes a look around. What he sees doesn’t seem so bad, and it might actually be interesting, so with a little push Kanade decides to take the plunge. He really shouldn’t be surprised when the blonde he met before starts pushing him all over again. It isn’t until he gets home later that day that he realizes for the first time in a while there are no new bruises on him.

****

The day of the audition came around pretty quickly and Kanade reached the makeshift waiting room without many problems. The arrival of Sasaki and Oikawa is kind of surprising but what they say is even more so. Kanade simply stares at them as they explain that for his audition he’ll be performing in a live show. He can’t do this, he seriously can’t do this. He’s clumsy and reckless and he’ll probably hurt himself and completely mess things up. Then Sasaki and the other group member will hate him and he’ll never become an idol and…thoughts are swirling around Kanade’s head that have him struggling to breath. He is not new to panic attacks but he doesn’t want to have one in front of these two amazing people, so he takes a deep breath and clenches his hands into fists before standing. He follows the two backstage, where they all pick up a microphone, and tries not to freak it.

“There’s no way that’ll work,” he states eventually, Sasaki looking back at him with a small hint of a smile.

“You can totally do it,” he stated, reciting Kanade’s familiar line, and Kanade stared at him in shock. For the longest time he had assumed Sasaki hated him but maybe he was just trying to push him.

He can hear the cheers and screams as Sasaki and Oikawa are raised to the stage, Kanade’s own nerves only growing at the noise. He can also hear them introducing him and he grips the microphone tightly in his hand, turning and gazing up at the screaming audience with wonder filled eyes.

“Why don’t you introduce yourself?” Sasaki prompted, Kande dropping into a bow almost immediately.

“I’m Kanade Amamiya. Nice to meet you all,” he stated loudly, blushing as Oikawa points out her forgot his mic.

“Let’s all see that amazing sight together!” Sasaki exclaimed “The song is Glory Story!” The cheers only grow at their words and as the Dorika’s gather Kanade can see how brightly they shine, as he catches one he can feel the weight of everyone’s emotions, and he decides then that he won’t be left behind by the others.

All three are soon dressed in their outfits for the show, Kanade’s vampire suit serving as a reminder of the cheers of the audience, and the routine begins. Kanade knows he probably should have put more effort into practicing for this, because if he’s going to do it he’s going to do it seriously without holding anything back, but as he sings and dances with the others it all comes so easily. He follows along with the others quickly and calmly, completing the routine without even a misstep and once the audition is over a wide grin takes over his face. He doesn’t know if he passed or not, but as he looks down at the cheer he caught that doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

“Idols are amazing,” he muttered, the grin still on his face.

“Good work,” a voice stated, drawing Kanade’s attention.

“Mikami-san!” Kanade greeted in surprise, tilting his head slightly in confusion.

“Do you have a moment?” Mikami asked before leading Kanade to the roof to talk.

They make small talk for a while, about the weather and the concert, before they get to the main reason for the talk.

“Don’t you want to come over to this side?” Masaki asked with his hand outstretched and, stood there surrounded by the cheers of fans that glitter in the night sky, how can Kanade even think about saying no?

“Yes!” he replied excitedly, a wide grin on his face once more.

“Kanade Amamiya, you pass,” Masaki claimed, Kanade taking a deep breath and nodding his head in response. He’d done it, he’d actually done it, he’d made it into the world of idols and this was only the beginning.

When Kanade got home that night he collapsed onto the sofa, laughing as his family gathered around him in excitement.

“So, how did it go?” his mother asked, as if the smile on his face isn’t answer enough.

“I passed. I’m officially an idol,” he replied, gasping as he’s enveloped in hugs. Once they’ve pulled away and he can breathe again the questions continue.

“Did you get to see Masaki again?” his younger brother asked with curiosity. Kanade thinks his brother might now more about the world of idols than he does.

“Yeah. He showed me all his cheers, plus he was the one who told me I passed,” Kanade explained, moving into a more comfortable position as his bother crawled onto his lap.

“So did any of them have bruises?” his father asked and Kanade can easily figure out the unasked question.

“I wasn’t really paying that much attention. I was too busy panicking at the fact I had to do a live show,” he answered quickly with a small smile.

There was no point getting depressed over bruises and soulmates now, he had over things to think about. Like the fact he was now an idol, or that he’d actually have to perform like that again. For now…for now he could forget that his unbruised body was a sign that he was different.

When Kanade goes to bed that night it is with a whirlwind of emotions. He is elated that he made it through the audition, and he’s excited for what is to come, but he can’t help worrying. What if the people he meets are just like the children that used to bully him? What if they think he’s different, a freak, a weirdo, because he doesn’t have any bruises? What if one of them is his soulmate and they don’t want to meet him because he’s always causing them trouble? He can’t calm his thoughts this time and he simply rides out the attack by curling up in his bed and clutching the covers to him. No! He can’t keep thinking like that. He may be different but that doesn’t make him weird or freaky!

The next day, on the walk to school, it’s his friend that points out how popular he now is. He even already has his own website with his main personal information on it. He gets asked for his autograph by his classmates, which has definitely never happened before, even if they do ask for Mikami’s in the end. But for once all the questions and comments aren’t about his skin or lack of bruises and for a long time he can actually relax. He still doesn’t show his skin but that doesn’t really matter that much, they already know he has no bruises, it just makes him feel a little more confident.


	2. Return of an Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old associate of Kanade's appears in town and Kanade isn't impressed.

Kanade has only been an idol for a few weeks when he runs into someone he’d never thought he’d see again. He’s been doing pretty well, and he gets on with most of the other junior class members. Him and Oikawa are probably even close enough to be called friends now, and it’ as they are leaving work together that Kanade sees a familiar figure waiting outside.

“Kanade,” the person calls out and Kanade would recognize that voice anywhere. He doesn’t even hesitate as he subconsciously slips in front of Oikawa, slightly hiding the other idol from view.

“Osore, what are you doing here?” he replied coolly, keeping a close eye on the boy as he approaches.

“I came to talk to you. I heard from one of our old friends that you were working for D-Four productions now and since I was in the area I thought I’d drop by,” Osore replied with a smile that would look inviting to anyone else but only meant trouble for Kanade.

“What’s the hold up!” a voice exclaimed from behind them, Kanade and Oikawa both turning to see Sasaki stood in the doorway waiting for them to move.

“Ah, sorry!” Kanade muttered an apology quickly, grabbing Osore’s arm and pulling him away from the entrance of D-Four productions.

“Kanade…?” Oikawa’s voice is light but Kanade can hear the question there.

“It’s fine, you go on ahead. I need to talk to Osore for a bit,” he stated quickly, waving of Oikawa’s concern with a well-placed smile and a confident voice.

Kanade watches Oikawa leave, walking just slightly behind Sasaki, before turning back to the boy in front of him. He sends Osore a glare before hefting his bag further up onto his shoulder and heading off at a fast pace. He already knows where he’s going, a small park near his house that is nearly always empty except when he visits it, and it doesn’t take them long to reach it with the pace he sets. He tries hard to keep his anger in check as he takes a seat on one of the sings, Osore collapsing down into the one next to him, and starts pushing himself lightly with his feet.

“So what are you really doing here?” he asked quietly, not sure whether the roiling in his gut was from nervousness or anger. He was either going to punch Osore or he was going to be sick all over him, maybe he could do both…give the guy what he deserved.

“I really did want to talk to you. Look, I know we didn’t part on the best circumstances but we’re both different know. I think we could really work out so how about it? You want to try again?” Osore asked and he looks so sad and pathetic that Kanade almost believes him…almost. But he’d fallen for Osore’s acts far too many times before and he wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

“No thanks. We tried Osore, for two years, and I gave you more chances than you deserved because I was young and naive. But I’m not stupid anymore and I have other things to think about, other things that are important to me now. Besides, you still have a soulmate out there somewhere right?” he answered and Osore rolled his eyes, dropping himself backwards as he gripped the chains of the swing.

“I already met them. They were stupid and annoying so I broke up with them,” he stated and he says it so calmly that Kanade cannot help the **fury** that builds in him.

He knew that soulmates didn’t always work out, that some decided that it wasn’t for them, that some decided that soulmates didn’t have to be romantic and they would be better as friends, but he had never seen…never heard…anyone dismiss the idea so easily. His knuckles are white from where he is gripping the chains, his eyes downcast so that Osore doesn’t notice the rage in them, and he has to try very hard not to fly at Osore in anger. Kanade has never found his soulmate, doesn’t even know if he has one, and here is this **fool** who broke up with his soulmate because they were **stupid** , because they were **annoying**.

“Yeah, me and you would never work out. See ya,” Kanade stated, rising to his feet and leaving the park, and Osore, behind without a second glance. He can hear Osore yelling behind him but he doesn’t stop, not this time, because now he knows better and he will not be dragged back into a relationship with someone who doesn’t really love him. He won’t be dragged into a relationship with someone who just wants to be able to say they’re dating an idol.

****

When Kanade gets home his family can tell something is wrong but they don’t push him about it, not when the look on his face speaks of murder and pain and reminds them of the days before they moved when he spent his time hating the world he had been born into. It reminds them of the days when he had come home covered in bruises and scratches that, if he had a soulmate, would surely be reflected on someone else’s skin. It reminds them of the days when he had spent the nights crying because the boy he had fallen for had added another injury to the list. It wasn’t the boys fault though, it was Kanade’s…it was always Kanade’s. But then Kanade had grown up and realized that he shouldn’t have to apologize for wounds he didn’t cause, and he moved on from the boy, and they had moved to a town where Kanade could be happy…could be himself.  
But this is the old Kanade again and his family don’t know what to do about that so they simply watch him march into his room, slamming the door behind him with a forceful thud. He falls on the bed face down, burying himself in the covers with a soft sigh.

“Well that sucked,” he muttered to himself, turning his head so he can see the cat teddy that his little brother had got him for his birthday a few years ago. He let out a laugh as he stared at it, shaking his head and pulling it to him in a hug. “Seriously, I can’t believe he tried to ask me back out after everything that happened. How stupid does he have to be? What do you think Kuro?” he continued angrily with a huff, talking the cat now instead of himself.

“Kanade! Dinner’s ready, do you want any?” his mother called through the door, Kanade placing Kuro down and standing leave the room.

“Yeah, thanks mum,” he replied with a small smile, walking past her and into the kitchen.

Dinner is a fairly quiet affair and Kanade doesn't know if he is grateful for that or not. Since his meeting with Orose he has been fairly stressed and it is nice to have quite but he wishes they would at least talk to him about something.

"So what happened today to put you in such a bad mood? I thought everything at D-Four was going well," his dad questioned and Kanade grips his fork in his hand.

"Orose showed up today. He was waiting outside D-Four for when I left. He wanted to get back together," he muttered, and suddenly it is quiet again.

"What did you say?" his brother asks timidly. He hadn't been old enough to understand why Orose was such a bad person when he was younger but after hearing the stories again when he got older he knew that this was a sore subject for all of them.

"I said no. I really don't feel like dealing with him again after everything that happened between us. Plus he made light of soulmates and that...well whatever. It's none of my business anymore anyway. i just hope he doesn't start bothering the other idols. That's the last thing I need," he explained with a deep sigh. He didn't need Orose going anywhere near the other idols and he really didn't want to have to explain to them about his past.

"Well, at least you refused him. If he comes bothering you again it would probably be best to let someone else know. I mean, we'll do what we can but you should let the President or Mikami know. They'll probably be able to do something about it," his mother told him, giving him a comforting smile. "You may not want to...because of what happened...but not letting anyone else know will only bring more trouble," she continued and Kanade can't deny that she has a point.

"Yeah, okay. I'll let them know if he shows up again," he stated with a responding smile before he tucked into his meal once more. The atmosphere is better now, the whole group relaxing now that the reason for Kanade's stress is out in the open. None of the family were fond of Orose, knowing how much he had hurt Kanade while they were together, and having the information that he was back in town would make things hard but they'd be okay as long as they stuck together and didn't keep secrets.

****

The next day Kanade is pretty much back to his usual self, although occasionally the other idols will notice that his mind seems somewhere else, and no one is particularly bothered anymore. But then Mikami enters their lesson with a boy in tow and everyone notices Kanade tense at the sight of him.

"Mikami-san!" Junyu exclaims excitedly, the other idols turning to face the older man but Shin doesn't fail to notice that Kanade's eyes remain on the boy behind him.

"Good morning everyone," Mikami stated with a smile. The others replied with various levels of excitement, Junyu naturally being the loudest while Kanade sounds worryingly subdued. Shin knows the boy, he’s the one Kanade had spoken to yesterday, and Junya recognizes him slightly but neither say anything. “This is Orose. He said he’s thinking about becoming an idol and he wanted to observe your classes for a while. He’ll be around for a few days at least,” Mikami told them and they all turn at a loud crashing sound to find Kanade has dropped his water bottle.

“Kanade…are you okay?” Chizuru asks curiously, Kanade turning to him with downcast eyes before grinning widely.

“Hmm, yeah. Sorry, I’m just gunna grab some air,” he stated, leaving the dance studio and heading straight for the exit.

He had known that Osore would probably continue approaching him, and maybe even approach some of the other junior idols, but that he had lied to Mikami just to get into D4 productions to find him was…it made Kanade’s blood boil. With a sigh he returned to the dance studio, watching from the window for a moment as Orose introduces himself and charms the group. With a roll of his eyes he enters the studio, ignoring Orose as the other teenager waves at him in greeting.

“Okay, I’ll leave you boys to it. Have fun,” Mikami stated as he left, the rest of them beginning dance practice once more. Kanade is fairly distracted throughout but he manages to keep up, and he hates to admit it but Orose is fairly good as well.

Once practice is over Kanade grabs his towel, wiping his face and getting ready to head to lunch.

“Oh, Kanade, we’re going to show Orose to the canteen and grab lunch with him. Do you want to join us?” Itsuki let him now and suddenly Kanade isn’t so hungry anymore.

“No thanks,” he replied coldly, walking past Orose without a second look and heading straight for the roof. Since he had come up here with Mikami after his audition and had become his thinking spot and since no one else, other than Mikami, knew about it, it was a great place to be alone. Orose had already managed to worm himself into Kanade’s work place and Kanade had a feeling it was only going to get worse from now on.


	3. Losing Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orose is gradually weaseling his way into the group and Kanade doesn't know how to handle him.

Kanade’s prediction turned out to be right and over the next few days Orose managed to weasel his way into the group without too much trouble. The group all enjoys his company, despite Kanade’s many objections, and continue to send time with him even out of work. No matter how much he hated it Kanade could not continue to ignore and avoid Orose so occasionally he would be dragged along with the group to do something. That’s how he ended up having lunch with the group, already in a particularly foul mood due to an argument with his younger brother that morning.

“Is something wrong Kanade?” Shin questioned, noticing Kanade flicking the food around his plate as he kept quiet during their conversations.

“Not really. I just got into an argument with my brother this morning, it’s nothing,” he muttered with a heavy sigh.

“What was the argument about?” Chizuru asked and Kanade shrugged.

“It wasn’t really important,” he told them, preferring not to spend too much time on it. It really hadn’t been that important, at least not to him. His brother had brought up Orose again which had led to Kanade telling him that Orose had shown up at his work, which had then led into a screaming match about how Kanade should tell everyone the truth about Orose and stop worrying about what they’ll think.

They had had arguments like that before…they had had arguments worse than that before, when Kanade used to spend his whole time fighting and moping. Things had changed since then but his whole family was still protective of him, even his little brother who only knew what he had been told about that part in Kanade’s life. Most of the time Kanade was fine with that, because there wasn’t really anything for them to worry over usually, but occasionally, at times like this, there worrying was not welcomed. He could handle Orose himself, he didn’t need to get anyone else involved, and he had told his brother as such. That hadn’t gone down well and Kanade had a feeling he would be getting the silent treatment for a while because if there was one thing his brother knew how to do it was hold a grudge.

Kanade doesn’t notice he has zoned out until a hand is waved in front of his face.

“Hey, Kanade!” Junya stated, Kanade blinking and turning to face him.

“Sorry, what?” he asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“Orose invited us to the arcade after work. Are you coming?” he asks and Kanade wants so much to say no but if he keeps avoiding these meets up the others are eventually going to notice.

“Yeah, sure,” he answered with a shrug. He may not want to spend time with Orose but at least it would keep him out of the house for a few extra hours. Work itself is fine, Kanade is thinking about far too much to concentrate on Orose so ignoring him isn’t hard. However when work finishes and they all head to the arcade that becomes slightly harder.

“Kanade we should play this game together!” Orose exclaims, pointing to a two man shooter. Kanade sighs but takes a seat next to him and enters his money, picking up the gun.

Kanade tries to ignore the heat of the body next to him, or the laugh he had once adored, but it is growing increasingly more difficult, especially when Orose wraps an arm around him in celebration.

“So have you thought anymore about what I said?” Orose whispered into Kanade’s ear and Kanade grit his teeth.

“Not going to happen,” he replied angrily.

“We don’t have to tell anyone, we can keep it a secret if you want? Or I could tell everyone that you’re gay and we used to be a thing,” he murmured threateningly and Kanade froze, seeing red.

“What right do you have to threaten me? After everything you did what made you think that you could try and control me again?” Kanade growled with seething fury, turning his glare on Orose as his fists trembled at his sides. “I have been trying so hard to just ignore you but don’t take my silence as acceptance. I am so angry at you for everything you have done and there is absolutely no way I am going to just let you get away with it all. I won’t say anything to the others because they generally seem to like you but if you try something like this again I will make your life a living hell,” he stated and although his voice is calm he is furious.

Kanade pushes himself out of the gaming chair, grabbing his bag and heading straight for the exit even as he can feel Orose’s eyes on him.

“Kanade, you’re leaving already?” Chizuru whined and Kanade turned to smile at him.

“Yeah, sorry. It’s my turn to cook dinner tonight so I really should get going,” he replied and the lie comes far too easily than he would like. Then again, he has been lying for years so, really, what is one more in that long, long list. The others all wished him a good evening before Kanade finally managed to escape, breathing a sigh of relief. He doesn’t head home, he’s still not ready for that yet, and instead heads back to D-four productions.

He manages to avoid meeting anyone on the way there and once he’s inside he heads straight for his rooftop spot. It’s probably a stupid idea to hang out on the roof this late, especially with colder weather rolling in, but he can’t bring himself to care right now. He just wants somewhere to be alone and the roof is always the best place for that. He settles himself down on the roof, leaning against the wall behind him, and simply watches the sky and city around him. He soon relaxes, his muscles loosening as his eyes close and he falls asleep.

****

Kanade woke up to the sun just rising and he jumped to his feet, checking his phone to see several missed messages and phone calls from his parents. He’s glad that it is a Saturday, so he doesn’t have to worry about school, but he can’t stick around or someone will find out he stayed at the building overnight. He hefted his bag onto his shoulder and left the roof, heading for the exit while trying to avoid meeting anyone. Luckily it’s early and there aren’t many people around but Kanade knows Junya will probably soon be coming into work, and Shin might be in early to. Kanade is almost free, pushing open the doors and stepping out onto the street, when he hears someone behind him.

“Kanade?” a voice calls and Kanade grits his teeth before turning to smile at Shin.

“Morning. You’re here early,” he stated, trying to sound natural despite his worry.

“Good morning. Yeah, you’re pretty early too,” Shin replied and Kanade shrugged.

“I figured I could get some early practice in.”

“Are you and your brother still fighting?”

“Yeah, kind of,” Kanade muttered, looking away at his words. He really should let his family know he was fine but he still didn’t feel up to talking. Instead he fires of a quick text to his dad to let him know that he’s fine before returning his attention to Shin. “So what are you doing here so early?” he asked quickly, changing the subject with a smile.

“Junya wanted to get in some extra practice so I decided to join him. Looks like I’m here before him though,” Shin explained Kanaded nodded his head.  
The two turned as they heard the doors opening, watching as Junya walked in and both nodding to him.

“Morning,” Kanade greeted.

“Morning…” Junya replied slowly. “I…wasn’t expecting you to be here,” he added and Kanade chuckled sheepishly.

“Yeah, I decided to get in some extra training and met Shin while I was here,” he told Junya before turning and grinning at them over his shoulder. “You coming?” he asked, heading off as the others followed behind him.

****

Kanade starts coughing at around lunch time, drinking lots of water to try and help but not getting much from it. It doesn’t feel awful, just a small cough, so he doesn’t think  
much about it until their next lesson in the dance studio after lunch. The cough is worse now, a familiar sign of an incoming cold for Kanade, and he sighs but since no one else draws attention to it he doesn’t mention it. Kanade is finding it tough to breathe a little while through the class and that alerts him to the fact something is wrong. Yes, the class is tough but that isn’t anything Kanade isn’t used to by now and it certainly shouldn’t be enough to have him out of breathe. When the group finally takes a break Kanade collapses into a sitting position, gulping down his water quickly and wiping the sweat of his forehead.

“Kanade, are you okay?” Itsuki asked, looking at Kanade with concern.

“Umm, yeah, I’m fine. I guess I’m just a little tired,” Kanade replied quickly.

He doesn’t want to worry the others so he leaves it at that, taking another gulp of water before rising back to his feet as the break ends. He lasts around another fifteen minutes before he collapses, his vision blurring as he falls. He can hear voices around him but they sound distant and disjointed. Eventually his vision went black and he gave in to unconsciousness.

****

When Kanade woke up it was to the view of a white ceiling that he didn’t recognise. He let out a groan before slowly pushing himself up into a sitting position.

“Hey, take it easy,” a voice stated, a hand resting on his back to help him up.

“Shin? What happened?” Kanade asked, blinking a few times to clear his vision.

“You collapsed. The doctor said it was from a cold that got worse due to fatigue. You got a fever,” Shin explained and Kanade sighed. “Kanade, don’t lie to me. You didn’t go home last night did you?” Shin asked, causing Kanade to grip the covers on the hospital bed.

“No. Sorry for lying, I just didn’t want people to worry about me,” Kanade muttered.

“Why didn’t you go home? Was the argument with your brother really that bad?”

“It wasn’t that…not really. It was just…it was complicated.”

“Complicated?”

“We were arguing over an old acquaintance. If I went home we probably would have just argued again, my brother knows how to hold a grudge.”

“You should just go home and apologize, you don’t know if you’ll always have the chance,” Shin stated an as Kanade looked up at him he noticed something.

“That bruise…” Kanade muttered, noticing a bruise on Shin’s upper arm.

“Oh this, it’s a soulmate bruise. I haven’t had many in a while so I almost forgot about it. I used to have loads as a child, I could never figure out what my soulmate was doing,” Shin replied with a small smile.

Kanade took one look at that smile before looking back down at the covers.

“I see,” he mumbled.

“I know how you feel!” A loud exclamation drew the attention of the two as Junya entered the room. “My soulmate was really clumsy when I was young. Honestly they must have been getting into fights our something,” he continued and Shin chuckles at him while Kanade smiles sadly.

“So you both have soulmates? Have you found them yet?” he asked quietly.

“I haven’t yet,” Shin answered.

“Me neither,” Junya agreed. “But when I do I’m going to give them a good lecture,” he added with a fierce glare.

“Come on Junya. I’m sure they aren’t trying to get you, or themselves, hurt,” Shin placated the other before turning back to Kanade. “Speaking of soulmates, I’ve never seen you with any bruises,” he claimed.

Kanade flinched slightly at Shin’s words before letting out a sheepish laugh.

“Yeah, I’ve never had any bruises. My soulmate obviously isn’t clumsy,” he joked but he can tell from the others’ concerned looks that they see through it.

“Kanade…” Shin began before Kanade cut him off.

“Ah, forget it. The truth is I don’t even know if I have a soulmate. Even if I do they probably hate me since I apparently can’t stop getting myself hurt,” he explained with a dark laugh, bringing his knees up to his chest and hiding his face in them as the laugh turned into a choked back sob. “I’m really pathetic huh,” he whispered, his eyes widening in shock when he felt an arm wrap around his shoulders.

“You’re not pathetic. In fact you’re one of the strongest people I know, going through all this alone and still putting on a smile around others,” Shin stated with confidence.

“Stupid as that is. If something’s bothering you then you should just say so. You’re a real idiot sometimes,” Junya added, ignoring Shin’s frown in his direction.

“You guys…I’m not a child, you don’t have to comfort me,” he told them but that just earned him rolled eyes.

“You’re our friend, of course we’re going to worry about you and comfort you when you’re depressed,” Shin replied while Junya looked away to hide his red cheeks.

“Well…thanks,” Kanade managed to stutter out, rubbing at his eyes and letting a small smile slip onto his face at Shin’s words.

He finally had true friends, ones that didn’t care his skin was unblemished and that he might not have a soulmate. Suddenly, being different didn’t seem to matter all that much and maybe now Kanade could finally go back to being himself. Of course there was still Orose to worry about but Kanade had imposed on everyone enough for the day, he could put up with Orose for a little while longer so he didn’t bother them.


	4. Panicking Idol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some truths are revealed and some secrets won't stay secret for much longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Panic attacks take place in this chapter, fair warning. Also, unhealthy coping mechanisms mentioned.

It takes Kanade three days to fully recover from his fever and return to work, Shin and Junya taking turns to keep him company with Itsuki and Chizuru occasionally popping in to visit him. Once he is back on his feet he practically throws himself back into training, determined to make up for lost time and ignoring the concerned glances from the others because he is _fine_ …really he is. The bruises and scrapes that occasionally appear on his body, hidden from view by his clothes, really aren’t that serious and he’s had plenty worse. He’s been getting into fights again and he knows if it continues eventually someone will figure it out, eventually he’ll get into trouble, but he can’t stop himself. It’s his fall back, even though it really shouldn’t be, and when he’s feeling like this he doesn’t know what else to do with himself.

The training is strenuous but not enough, the burning in his muscles doesn’t quite burn enough, and the fighting makes up for that. But there’s something else that makes up for it to. Something he hadn’t done in years, after leaving his old friends behind. That’s why, when he dragged himself out of work on Friday he doesn’t expect to be grabbed by the arm and pulled down the street.

“What the…hang on a second! Amaya!” he exclaims, the purple and green haired girl in front of him turning to grin at him.

“Yo Kanade, we’re going karaoke. You’re not getting out of it now that we’re in town!” the girl, Amaya, states as she forces him along down the street.

“But Amaya…” Kanade began only to hiss as Amaya pinched his hand lightly.

“No buts, you haven’t been to karaoke with us in forever. You need to come with us you brat,” Amaya complained, Kanade giving in with a sigh. The karaoke they take him to is one he’s passed before, though never entered. The front is all warm colours and inviting words and the inside is just as comforting. Kanade can feel himself relaxing almost instantly, the familiar company and calm surroundings giving him a reason to just let everything go.

Amaya drags him into one of the rooms, grinning at the others as they enter and take their seats. Kanade recognizes most of them as his old friends from before he moved but there are a few who are new to the group.

“Alright, introductions! Guys this is Kanade Amamiya, Kanade these are Kaito Hibiki and Fujiwara Asuka. Hibiki is Orose’s soulmate and Asuka was his girlfriend for a while. Luckily they both got out of that parasites grip pretty quickly and now they’re part of our gang,” Amaya introduces each of them in turn, Kanade’s eyes widening as he takes Kaito in. There are a few bruises here and there, though not as many as Kanade has, but none of them are major and Kanade is thankful for that. At least Orose’s soulmate hadn’t had to suffer for too long. The two seem to be in awe of Kanade however and Kanade isn’t entirely sure why.

“What’s up?” he asks, Amaya giggling as the both of them start.

“Ah, sorry, it’s just…we’ve heard a lot about you,” Kaito mutters.

“Yeah! Not only are you an idol but you’re like the only person we know who’s ever broken up with Orose instead of the other way around. You’re amazing!” Fujiwara claims, Kanade blinking in shock at that before blushing at the praise.

“Ah…no…I’m not really that great,” he mumbled, rubbing at his neck sheepishly.

Amaya watched their interaction for a while before clapping her hands together to get their attention.

“Okay, okay, we can complain about Orose later. For now we have some karaoke to sing and an idol to tease!” she ordered with a wild grin that has Kanade rolling his eyes and laughing in unison with the rest. Amaya was always the one to take the lead, even in things like finding fights. The rest of the evening is spent singing and laughing at inside jokes, fond smiles on all their faces. It was good for them, being able to chat and gossip without having to worry about what they’re saying. Once the karaoke ends Amaya and Kanade part ways with the others, stopping at a crossing to say goodbye to each other.

“Today was fun. We need to do it again soon,” Amaya states, throwing an arm around Kanade’s shoulders with a grin.

“Yeah, sure thing. I’ll see you around Amaya,” Kanade replies with a wide smile, laughing as Amaya gives him a kiss on the cheek before heading off across the road with a backward wave.

****

The next morning Kanade entered work with more vigour in his step than he had had for a while. He’d finally made up with his brother and the time he’d spent with his old friends had been fun. Now he was less stressed and even the thought of spending time with Orose didn’t seem awful. He blinked as he was met by Mikami-san and the president, Mikami-san gesturing for him to follow them silently. That was strange, usually Mikami-san was more talkative with Kanade, but occasionally things needed tact he supposed. Once in the president’s office Kanade took a seat opposite the two, waiting for them to start talking. When a picture was tossed over the table in front of Kanade he stared at it with wide eyes. His image was clear and Amaya’s arm was slung across his shoulder as she kissed his cheek. This was from yesterday, after they’d left karaoke. Of course he should have been more careful!

“Who is this girl? We need to explain what’s going on if we don’t want another scandal,” Mikami-san explained, Kanade looking up at him with a frown.

“She’s an old friend. A bunch of people I used to know from my old town visited recently and last night we all went to karaoke together. I’ve never seen her in that way, never even thought about it! She’s just a friend, a really close one sure but still just a friend. She…they used to help me out when my moods got real bad. They kept me firmly planted on the ground, didn’t let me break no matter how close I came. They’re good people but I’d never get with any of them. We all have to much baggage to ever be good together,” he explained, his eyes flicking back to the photograph as he talked.

This was the most he’d ever talked to someone about Amaya before, the words not stopping once they’d started. His hands are clasped in his lap, his eyes staring at them without lifting as he feels the tears burning and he forces them away.  He’s never realized exactly how much those guys actually meant to him until he’d had to explain to someone else. They really had saved him when he’d been in a bad place. He finally lifted his head, taking a deep breath to calm himself as he turned his attention to Mikami-san and the president. They are both staring at him with expressions he can’t read and he begins to feel self-conscious as the silence stretches on. The president eventually reached across the table, taking the picture back with a nod of his head.

“I see. Well that could work; these actions are something that could be put down to just extremely close friends. We’ll release a statement tomorrow,” he stated before dismissing Kanade. As he leaves Mikami-san follows him out, taking Kanade’s wrist in his hand before he can walk away.

“Amamiya, if you have something you need to talk about you shouldn’t keep it bottled up. I’m not saying you necessarily have to talk to me but you should talk to someone at least,” he stated, Kanade smiling disarmingly at him.

“I will, thanks Mikami-san,” he replied before prying his arm from Mikami’s grip and heading off towards the studious to find everyone else.

Once he reaches the studio he is bombarded by Chizuru and Itsuki about the picture, Junya and Shin hanging back to watch events.

“Hey, Kanade, what’s this? What’s this? You have a girlfriend?” Chizuru questioned, Kanade rolling his eyes before holding his hands up in surrender.

“No, no. She’s just a close friend. We’ve known each other since we were kids, we grew up in the same town,” Kanade explained once more before looking around the studio. “Osore isn’t here?” He asked, turning his attention to Junya and Shin.

“No, he phoned the president to say he wouldn’t be coming in today,” Shin replied with a shrug, causing Kanade to hum. Well at least that was one less thing to worry about.

“But what do you mean you knew each other in your old town? You haven’t always lived here?” Chizuru asked with a tilt of his head.

“Ah, nope. I used to live somewhere else, in a town around two hours away from here, but we moved once I left junior high due to personal reasons,” Kanade told them, plastering a smile on his face.

“How come you’ve never told us that before?” Chizuru questions, sounding almost insulted, and Kanade blinks at him.

“Well…it never really came up before. My life is hardly that interesting. It isn’t like it was important,” he muttered sheepishly. He honestly hadn’t thought they’d find it interesting so this situation was surprising to him.

“Of course it’s important, it’s something about you and we want to know that sort of thing! You know things about us that no one else does! Shouldn’t you return the courtesy and tell us this sort of thing!” Chizuru reprimands, Kanade raising his hand in surrender.

“Okay, okay! Next time something like that comes up I’ll tell you!” Kanade gives up, knowing he won’t get out of this without some sort of promise.

“Good,” Chizuru claims before turning back to Itsuki with a smile.

Kanade watches him with a shake of his head before moving over to join Shin and Junya. Kanade frowns at their amused grins, elbowing them both gently.

“Shut it,” he pouts, crossing his arms at their laughs.

“We didn’t say anything,” Shin responds with a raised eyebrow.

“You were thinking it,” Kanade shoots back easily, joining in their laughter. After a little relaxation the group begin their individual practice for their next show. Kanade has almost forgotten about his latest bruises before they are brought up during practice. They’ve just finished going through their latest routine when Junya approaches with a frown on his face.

“Kanade, lift your shirt,” he orders, Kanade turning to him with a gaping mouth.

“Eh, what?” He exclaimed, backing away as Junya approached him.

“Lift your shirt,” he repeated, grabbing Kanade’s wrist so he can’t escape. Shin must catch on to Junya’s meaning because he lifts Kanade’s t-shirt quickly before Kanade can get out of Junya’s grip.

“G…guys? What’s up with you?” He mutters, noticing how all eyes are now on him and there’s anger in all of them.

“Where did you get these bruises?” Itsuki questions, Chizuru prodding one of them and causing Kanade to hiss as he pulled away.

“Wha…nowhere. I just tripped. It’s nothing. They don’t even hurt unless someone pokes them,” he replies, frowning as Junya finally lets go and he quickly pulls his t-shirt down to cover the bruises on his stomach and ribs.

“Don’t lie to us Kanade. I can tell the difference between a bruise from tripping and a bruise from being punched. Those were clearly the latter,” Shin said, tone mild but eyes full of hatred that had Kanade flinching.

He hadn’t meant to make them angry, especially not at him. In fact the whole reason he had been hiding was the bruises is so they wouldn’t lead to this kind of reaction. With a bite of his lip he takes in the looks on everyone’s faces, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt nervously.

“Has someone been hurting you?” Junya pushes but Kanade can barely hear him through the pounding in his ears. He’s panicking, he knows he is, but he can’t calm down. He needs to apologise, needs to soothe their anger, before they decide to turn and take it out on him. He scrambles away as hands reach for him, not even knowing when he’d collapsed to the floor, just knowing that he has to get away, has to get somewhere safe before he gets hurt.

“…ade! Kanade! Listen to me! You have to breathe, okay. In, two three. Out, two three. In, two three. Out, two, three. That’s it…there you go. Just breathe. It’s okay, you’re okay. No one’s going to hurt you here okay. We promise…” Shin keeps talking, mumbling reassurances as Kanade takes in deep gulps of air and tries not to whimper. He knows he failed when he is pulled into Shin’s lap without another word, simply held there as calm words are whispered to him and a hand runs through his hair in comfort. It takes him a moment to relax again and when he does he almost immediately tenses up again because he is hit by the sudden realization that Shin was telling the truth. He is safe here and they won’t hurt him…even if he messes up.

“I…I’m sorry,” he chokes out, gripping onto Shin’s shirt with as much grip as he can manage.

“You don’t have to be sorry Kanade. Just…what happened? Do you often have panic attacks?” Junya mutters, settling beside him and running a hand up and down his back gently.

“Not…not so much anymore. I used to, when I was younger. Amaya, the girl in the picture, helped. She really helped but she couldn’t be there all the time and sometimes I’d…” he trailed off then, taking a shuddering breath and burying his face in Shin’s shirt.

“And the bruises?”

“I get into fights sometimes. I know I shouldn’t! I do! But…but they help. The pain helps.”

He doesn’t know why he’s telling them this, not really, but he is sure it’s safe. They’re not trying to punish him, they just want to help. He’s sure of that now, more sure of that than anything else he’s known. They’ll protect him, he just has to tell them and since he’s already started…he might as well tell them everything.

“I need to tell you all something…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...secrets are spilled next chapter.


End file.
